My phone has been giving off an emergency signal for the past two days. Warning! Blizzard conditions expected beginning at 11 pm Friday, March 8th. Of course, two days ago when the first warning occured, I went into a mild frenzy. Quick! Get the shopping done, run the errands, clean the house, get the bills paid. Scurry, hurry, worry, a blizzard is on the way! Colorado has had its fair share of blizzards in the past month.
There is something about a blizzard - even the prediction of a blizzard that brings to me a sense of doom and gloom, an unrest, a disquietness in my spirit. Is it the bitter cold temperatures? The grayish tinge of the sky that should be bright blue with yellow sunshine? The dangerous icy roads that I must traverse, which makes me hold my breath from fear of spinning in circles down the road? Dont get me wrong... I like snow - after the storm. As Leslie Leyland Fields wrote, "We want the weather to break free from the centrifuge of our gloomy prognostications." And like her the more gloomier the weather the more depressed and self-loathing I feel.
This week, a week of more blizzards, I saw into my cracked, pathetic heart and I was slain. I was stripped of excuses, the usual cover-ups. I was selfish, callous, no good and rotten to the core. Overwhelmed and wanting to dig a hole about 6 foot deep to throw myself into, I threw a fit and had a meltdown. I got myself into trouble and almost ended a good thing I had going.
Is it the weather? Can I blame it on the weather? The never ending succession of ceaseless blizzards? Freezing cold nights and gray, doomy, gloomy clouds that drives me to the depths of despair, this wintry season of depression and self-loathing? A foul hatred of myself?
All these negative thoughts bombarding my mind like smoke bombs clouding up my brain with mental fogginess. Doubting myself that I can continue on this weight loss journey. Doubting my purpose for being here. Do I have a purpose? Why am I a failure? Does anybody care? Does anybody listen? Why am I so alone? Why does David have to be gone again? Why do we have a foreclosure on our house? I can't do anything right. What's the point? Maybe I should just quit....problem solved?! And as the blizzard rages and the cold winds blow and the snow turns into ice, the tears fall accumulating icy conditions on my soul of bitterness, anger, resentment and disappointment.
But through it all comes these opposing thoughts - ringing loud and true - warring with my negative thoughts. Hey! You! You have come to far to give up now! What are you thinking? Keep going! Look at what you have accomplished. Look at what more you can accomplish. You have a lot more to do! Fight the fight. Run the race. Keep training. Onward then!
And then my fitness trainer brings me a checklist of my training program that he designed for me because he knows that I am a visual learner. My nutritionist gives me a paper plate that has my daily servings for each meal on it as a reminder to help me stay on track with my carb intake to help me keep my blood sugars in control. My gym buddies were willing to sacrifice their diets to take me to get a Starbucks to cheer me up. (We didn't. It was the thought that counts) And I am humbled once again. And they tell me...no more negativity! It's the positivity that melts the icy conditions of the soul. And I realize I am not alone. I have God. I have a great family and I have awesome friends and people in my life that are helping me make that transformation from old negative, sugar addicted, emotional eater, overweight Debbie to the new, healthy, vibrant, full of life, cheerful, positive Debbie. And I am reminded once again of how truly grateful I should be.
I look out my window! Its 5 am. Six hours after the blizzard was predicted. There is no snow! Nothing! The skies are cloudy. There may still be snow today. The weather is hard to predict. So are life's circumstances. I don't know what either one will be like in any given moment. I can choose to cower or I can face it head on.
I choose not to cower anymore. Let it snow! I'll make it through!
